Again

Realised it has been such a long time since I have wrote on here.
Guess I felt like I no longer needed it. I no longer needed it because I had friends.
But honestly I feel as if everyone has just walked out of my life again and I am straight back where I started.

Don't get me wrong I have friends..... but sometimes they don't feel like friends. I always ask if they want to do stuff and they never do. But yet I see posts on social media and they have been out and about. I ask them to just tell me straight and if you don;t want anything to do with me tell me and I will leave you alone. But no its always ' Awww no don't think like that we do' ....... Maybe I wouldn't think that way if peoples actions matched their words.
Its like i was in hospital a couple of months back with pain. I had one person ask me if i was ok. The others who I thought were my friends just didn't bother. When you are low and unhappy you need people to reach out to you. To make an unexpected visit to lift your spirits, or even just to grab a coffee with you.

It is so incredibly lonely to be on your own everyday sat in the house not doing anything. It is so nice to have someone to talk to but I need the physical company of being able to talk to people in person and actual go out and do something.
I always put myself forward for my friends and I do believe I am good at noticing when there is something wrong with them......... Why do people never notice when i am hurting. When I am with drawn and upset. Do they even really care because honestly I just feel so alone again.
I crave contact with people..... with real friends......... but that just seems impossible.
Just looks like I am on my own once again.

Back forth but staying hopeful

At the minute I just keep going back and forth. 

I haven't really left the house for probably about two weeks. half due to being ill then half due to allowing the mental illness to get the better of me.
I know when I am with friends it makes me feel better but at the moment all I really want to do is get out the house. But what I don't want to do is leave my house to just go an sit in someones elses. Because I have come to realise the longer I stay inside the harder it is going to be to leave the house. 
I mean its bad enough now that I wont leave the house on my own. But the friends I have, have other commitments which stop them from going out the house which I completely understand but it doesn't stop me from getting stressed out with the situation.
At first I was grateful just to have friends again. Just to have the company of others. It had been so long since I had actually had a friend so I wouldn't mind just sitting in the house. This is where i start to feel stuck again. Because i felt like I was making progress and in a way I have. But on the other hand I am still avoiding the big issue which is leaving the house. 

Recently I have had my support worker coming to visit me at home on a weekly basis. This is because the group therapy hasn't worked for me so between me and the support working we are working on what is called a 'rap plan' which eventually will help me to manage my issues. 
The rap plan is basically a booklet. In this booklet we just start off with identifying area in which I struggle. For me it is leaving the house, the way I view myself, the borderline personality disorder and isolating myself. In doing this it helps to highlight what needs to be worked on. We also touch on what I am like when I am well. When the support worker asked me this question I was completely stumped. I was stumped because for the entire time I've been ill I don't think I have ever been asked that question. In all honesty I hadn't really thought about it either. When I had thought about being back to my normal self again I didn't have a specific idea in my head, it was more I just didn't want to be like this anymore. But when I think about it I have always isolated myself in my room. But I have been more sociable. I've had more friends. Been able to enjoy others company. And not hated myself so much. 
It was good that we spoke about this because it gave us chance to talk about step that I could take to get back to being happy again. Being some what normal. If normal is even an option anymore.   
Now we have a starting point. We have something in mind in what we can work on.  One of those things does start with leaving the house. Because i literally never leave the house. I never get any exercise. I have just allowed myself to wallow away and stay in bed watching tv all the time. That is why having a goal to start the gym is a good idea. I have been trying to get people to come with me. But.... its difficult because some people have commitments and then on the other hand I don't have many friends to ask. But it has come to the time were I NEED to push myself out of my comfort zone to do something by myself. Even if I just start off with a walk down the street and back. I can't sit here anymore and expect my brain just to be better one day. Because one day could be in 10 years time. 10 years time is too much of a waste of years. I need to do it now.

What I have been able to understand through working with the mental health team and my support worker more is my borderline personality disorder. I've understood more how it links to my depression. With personality disorder I don't manage things the way other people do. I find it extremely difficult not to get irritated.  It happens so often and when I get like that it lead to the impulse side of the illness. The impulse to throw things, shout, let my anger out and harm myself. Harming myself is mainly where those thoughts lead to and its being able to manage that. At the moment I can't.
Its like yesterday... I just didn't feel right all day. I went shopping with my granddad because hes 88 and I would feel awful if something happened to him and I wasn't there to help. He needs the help anyway and the company is good for him. The company is good for me too and it is forcing me to get out the house. But all day I just felt down and irritated. But as you do. I put on a brave face and tried to mask it. I just felt low and annoyed with myself for feeling that way. When we finally got home I thought after a while my mind may calm itself down a bit. Other members of the family came round and everyone talking at once only made the thoughts in my head even louder. So I took myself upstairs, drew the curtains and cried. I cried because I was so fed up of getting like this. I hate the feeling I get and the thoughts that come with it. I know there is no quick fix for mental health but when you feel that way and you are desperate for the thoughts to go away all you want is the quick fix. It just all becomes too much again. Too much to handle. That is when the impulse of self harm is brought on. Self harm helps me to focus on the physical pain instead of the mental pain. So its that bit of a break that you need from inside your own head. But thankfully I didn't turn to that yesterday. I turned to the mental health service and they tried to calm me down and distract me from my thoughts over the phone. I eventually plucked up the courage to shout for my mum to come upstairs. I just kept saying to her I want it to go away. I don't want to live like this anymore. Help me. I don't feel safe. When I say that I mean I don't feel safe from my own thoughts because I don't want to hurt myself but the mind has a strange way of trying to convince you of a way out. Its in that time that you feel most helpless. People try to help you but its difficult for them to find the words. You have to ride it out and hope that you can distract yourself but sometime you feel like that all you ever do is distract yourself. I hate feeling like my mental health is being masked when it needs to be dealt with. 
But....today my support worker stepped in and took me to a centre which offers programmes and drop in sessions to help with your confidence and managing your mood. I can not say much on it so far as today was just about identifying areas you want to work on and filling out paper work. 
But if there is something that I can take away from today is that although I have had rough times I am keeping an open mind. I am hopeful towards what this centre could do for me. 

I will continue to push back against it. Fight back even when I feel like giving up. Anyone else who can relate to this or if you are going through something similar or know anyone going through this.... Don't give in. Don't let them give in. I know it is so difficult. But hang in there. Seek help. Support each other. And even in the darkest of times try to shine a bit of light. Be hopeful that it will work out. Stick on a Disney movie as a distraction because lets face it you can't go wrong with Disney.

Why I don't like going out

I've become so scared of the outside world. 

When I say this some people may laugh but to me and many others it is a real problem. I hate going out. Now its not because of the fresh air or the scenery where I live that makes me like this. Its the people. 

Its people who I've become scared of. Scared of even the people I know and have known for years.

I'm scared of seeing them in the street and what they must think of me. 

Scared that they may talk to me. Then there is that awkward conversation. The conversation were they look down on me and think I am lazy for not having a job. For no longer being in education. Looking at me and thinking I am just a low life.

Its not like I haven't had a job before and enjoyed working and my education. And to those (if any) of you who have looked at my previous posts know that I was in University up until November last year but had to leave due to my mental health getting to the point I just couldn't function.

The reason I get so worried that people are going to judge me because I don't do anything is through experience. 

People never start of the conversation with how have you been?
How are you doing? Hows everything going?
They just dive straight in with so what do you do for work? are you studying at the moment?

If you reply with that you are doing neither of these things.... well, its sad to say you just get looked down upon.
People just jump to the conclusion that you are lazy. That you are a slacker. You can see their minds taking in the information and those thoughts showing in their minds.

Now its that which i can't deal with. 

The judgement. 

The judgement of those who know little parts of your life or have heard things through word of mouth or from social networking 'friends' 

They assume they know your whole life story. And within a few seconds they have made their mind up about you. 

Now that is the reason I hate to go out. 

You don't even have to have spoken to someone or even known them these days for them to be able to form an opinion about you. All they have to do is see you and a snap judgement has been made based on how you look. 

I suppose at some point in our lives we are all guilty of making a snap judgement about someone. But now it is time to realise that it just isn't fair.
People like me should not live in fear and anxiety about what others may think and say about us. 

This has become a major contributor in my mental health and I hate it. If we didn't live in a world were we judged people too quickly things would be so much better and easier for people like myself. People wouldn't have to put on such a front or hide away. 

Or only come out at night when they know they won't have to see anyone.

Think before you judge someone because you just never know what actually is going on in their life or how they feel.

The Concert

So a couple of weeks ago one of the people i used to be really close with until our futures took us to different parts of the country, asked me if I wanted to go to a concert. To see Paramore. 

Now paramore is one of of my all time favourite bands. One which I have shared the same room with. And by room I mean concert hall. I have been to see them several times and really enjoyed it. But this time. This time I realised I wouldn't be able to share that experience. As much as I really wanted to go see this band play, I have realised that it is just impossible at this moment in time. The thought of being at a concert now is just scary. Being in a place with that many people at one point in time will most definitely send my brain into a mad panic. I know it will just cause my brain into a mental meltdown. 
I do not want to put myself in a situation like that. It just wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be fair to me. But it also wouldn't be fair to the people who I go with. Because if I had anxiety they would probably miss the best parts of the concert due to having to look after me. Either that or they just wouldn't be bothered and I would be left even more alone and scared than I was before. 

I just really don't want to be that person. The person who looks back on their life. On that time and think about all the things I could have been doing. Could have been enjoying but couldn't because I was so go dam trapped in my mental illnesses. 
Although I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason and this is supposed to be part of your life to be able to learn and move on with life having learnt hard lessons. I just don't want to waste my time. Waste the time I have on this earth. 
Because life is truly a gift and it goes by so quickly. One minute your a child having fun and not having a care in the world. The next minute you're an adult worrying about bills and how you look. 

Groups are not for me

So Ive been going to therapy for a good few weeks now.
The therapy I go to is with several other people. People like me who have personality disorder. 
The group sessions are made to help us. Help us to break down and control our emotions, impulses and thoughts. But I find that it just isn't working for me.

Last Tuesday at the session I had to leave the room. I left because i was getting myself so upset. I just realised how much everyone was different from me. How the majority of them didn't even talk about depression, sadness and loneliness. They just talked about their anger and impulses to do silly things which could escalate and get yourself in trouble or land yourself in difficult situations. Now i understand this is all part of personality disorder but....what I needed was something that would help me to cope with feeling so low. 
When I was outside the room I just could not hold back the tears. Once one fell they just kept of flowing down my cheeks.
I just kept wondering why can't i control this. Why do i feel so down? I mean in the moment with certain people I can enjoy myself and have a good time but other times when I'm not with them I just feel like utter shit. And it's hard to stop feeling that way.
People always say you shouldn't think that way... You have so much to live for.... What have you got to be unhappy about.......... They just don't understand that i truly don't have control over feeling this way. Do people really think that if I had a choice I wouldn't choose to be happy?
I think everyone in this world would choose to me happy. No-one choose their emotions. They just happen. And sometimes there doesn't need to be a reason for those emotions. 

After 10-15 minutes I wiped the now mascara stained cheeks and composed myself. I made a point of telling them unhappiness, sadness and loneliness where my problems and my thoughts were the things that I couldn't control. By saying this I thought it would prompt the therapists to talk about this. To ask if anyone else felt this way or even to just acknowledge that I felt like crap. But no they said "We will talk about that in the one to one" 
Now i wasn't the first person who they had said this to. It just seemed as if they were saying that is not important, you don't matter. fuck off. To just dismiss something like that after you had been told that in that room with everyone else you could talk about anything.. was just really disappointing. I understand that as their job to lead this group they have topics they need to touch on, but when people feel confident enough to be able to say something don't jut dismiss it. It like the entire world all over again. People always trying to fit you in a square box when everyone is different, some people are rectangle, some circles. People are never going to fit into your box. I wish people would stop trying to force it. Just because you have a degree and your profession is a therapist. It doesn't always mean you are going to know exactly what it is like. Yes you can empathise with someone. But the only way you are really going to understand is having been in tat situation yourself. 

I can honestly say that those group sessions have not helped me at all. Yes i went which was a step in itself. But, each time I did I only came out feeling worse about my situation and more stressed. Therapy is supposed to help you relieve some of that not pile more on. So I have now decided not to go to the group sessions and just hope that they understand. I hope that they will still give me support. Because I have a feeling that I won't . That because I couldn't do what they wanted me to that i am just going to be disregarded. Which is a horrible feeling.

I guess I will just have to see what tomorrow brings

Had a good week but I still feel bad

I don't understand myself most of the time.
I have so many things to be happy about lately.
Having real friends back in my life. Actually enjoying spending time with all of them. But yet my brain still decides to be sad.

When I am with Amie and her daughter it is so lovely. Getting on so well with someone and being there for each other. Just being able to be myself round her and not have to be anxious. I have spent most days with them. It made me feel great but when I get back home it is like the sadness and depression is waiting for me.
Then there is Callum and Lauren who are hilarious. So good to be around and so much fun. Even though everyone has their own problems and stuff going on in their lives its nice that we can be there for each other. Be able to support each other and take our minds off what is going on. 

But why is it even when I've had a good week I still feel like shit. I just can't shake the feeling of wanting to cry myself to sleep. To lock myself away and sleep forever.
I thought once I would be able to laugh again the sadness would go away. But it has only made it harder. Harder to be on my own. The feeling of being scared to be on my own. Having to always be around someone so that I can relax and feel sane again. 
And therapy just doesn't seem to be helping either. These group sessions only make me realise how fucked up I actually am. How different I am to the other people in that room. They all seem to have other issues. I am the only one who is incredibly sad. The only person who seems to hate their own guts. The only one who hates themselves so much when someone is nice I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I feel undeserving. Because people have treated me like shit for so long I'm shocked and anxious when someone is nice. 
I need all this negativity to stop. I want to be able to be normal again. To not be like this anymore.
But there is no quick fix for mental health and there never will be.

I still feel ashamed talking about it. I feel that way because from a young age it is given such a negative view. People have learnt to associate mental illness with being a bad thing. Kids would always say to others you're mental, you're crazy.... And unfortunately that is carried over to their adult life and that is why mental health seems like such a taboo subject.
I shouldn't have to feel worried about telling someone the reason I can't work and neither should anyone else. 


-Thank you  Amie, callum and Lauren, You don't realise what a difference you have made in my life. You all walked in after everyone else walked out-

Tonight in my head

How do you stop your brain from working over time.
Tonight I just don’t feel right. I feel strange. I’ve had a really good few days and now I can feel the come down. I’m starting to get irritated my peoples voices again. Words are starting to grate on me. Words which shouldn’t even cause discomfort. Why does this always have to happen? Why is there always such a hard come down. It’s like I can see everything becoming distant again. Everything is becoming dark again.
How do you stop this feeling? The feeling of losing control over your mind. The feeling of self-worth and happiness slipping away. Everything always seems good in the moment. Like today seeing my friend, spending time with her and having a good time. Like yesterday when I saw friends again. I was happy on both these occasions. Then……. It stops. I become dark again. I start to notice every little thing that I hate about myself. All those little things coming together and painting a horrible picture.
How do you stop it?
I don’t think people realise just how unbearable these feelings are. You just get told to hang in there. Distract yourself. But what if the distractions don’t work? Hang in there….for how long. I just want to be okay again. I want to not feel like this. I just hope that tomorrow is a better day.