Had a good week but I still feel bad

I don't understand myself most of the time.
I have so many things to be happy about lately.
Having real friends back in my life. Actually enjoying spending time with all of them. But yet my brain still decides to be sad.

When I am with Amie and her daughter it is so lovely. Getting on so well with someone and being there for each other. Just being able to be myself round her and not have to be anxious. I have spent most days with them. It made me feel great but when I get back home it is like the sadness and depression is waiting for me.
Then there is Callum and Lauren who are hilarious. So good to be around and so much fun. Even though everyone has their own problems and stuff going on in their lives its nice that we can be there for each other. Be able to support each other and take our minds off what is going on. 

But why is it even when I've had a good week I still feel like shit. I just can't shake the feeling of wanting to cry myself to sleep. To lock myself away and sleep forever.
I thought once I would be able to laugh again the sadness would go away. But it has only made it harder. Harder to be on my own. The feeling of being scared to be on my own. Having to always be around someone so that I can relax and feel sane again. 
And therapy just doesn't seem to be helping either. These group sessions only make me realise how fucked up I actually am. How different I am to the other people in that room. They all seem to have other issues. I am the only one who is incredibly sad. The only person who seems to hate their own guts. The only one who hates themselves so much when someone is nice I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I feel undeserving. Because people have treated me like shit for so long I'm shocked and anxious when someone is nice. 
I need all this negativity to stop. I want to be able to be normal again. To not be like this anymore.
But there is no quick fix for mental health and there never will be.

I still feel ashamed talking about it. I feel that way because from a young age it is given such a negative view. People have learnt to associate mental illness with being a bad thing. Kids would always say to others you're mental, you're crazy.... And unfortunately that is carried over to their adult life and that is why mental health seems like such a taboo subject.
I shouldn't have to feel worried about telling someone the reason I can't work and neither should anyone else. 


-Thank you  Amie, callum and Lauren, You don't realise what a difference you have made in my life. You all walked in after everyone else walked out-