So Ive been going to therapy for a good few weeks now.
The therapy I go to is with several other people. People like me who have personality disorder.
The group sessions are made to help us. Help us to break down and control our emotions, impulses and thoughts. But I find that it just isn't working for me.
Last Tuesday at the session I had to leave the room. I left because i was getting myself so upset. I just realised how much everyone was different from me. How the majority of them didn't even talk about depression, sadness and loneliness. They just talked about their anger and impulses to do silly things which could escalate and get yourself in trouble or land yourself in difficult situations. Now i understand this is all part of personality disorder but....what I needed was something that would help me to cope with feeling so low.
When I was outside the room I just could not hold back the tears. Once one fell they just kept of flowing down my cheeks.
I just kept wondering why can't i control this. Why do i feel so down? I mean in the moment with certain people I can enjoy myself and have a good time but other times when I'm not with them I just feel like utter shit. And it's hard to stop feeling that way.
People always say you shouldn't think that way... You have so much to live for.... What have you got to be unhappy about.......... They just don't understand that i truly don't have control over feeling this way. Do people really think that if I had a choice I wouldn't choose to be happy?
I think everyone in this world would choose to me happy. No-one choose their emotions. They just happen. And sometimes there doesn't need to be a reason for those emotions.
After 10-15 minutes I wiped the now mascara stained cheeks and composed myself. I made a point of telling them unhappiness, sadness and loneliness where my problems and my thoughts were the things that I couldn't control. By saying this I thought it would prompt the therapists to talk about this. To ask if anyone else felt this way or even to just acknowledge that I felt like crap. But no they said "We will talk about that in the one to one"
Now i wasn't the first person who they had said this to. It just seemed as if they were saying that is not important, you don't matter. fuck off. To just dismiss something like that after you had been told that in that room with everyone else you could talk about anything.. was just really disappointing. I understand that as their job to lead this group they have topics they need to touch on, but when people feel confident enough to be able to say something don't jut dismiss it. It like the entire world all over again. People always trying to fit you in a square box when everyone is different, some people are rectangle, some circles. People are never going to fit into your box. I wish people would stop trying to force it. Just because you have a degree and your profession is a therapist. It doesn't always mean you are going to know exactly what it is like. Yes you can empathise with someone. But the only way you are really going to understand is having been in tat situation yourself.
I can honestly say that those group sessions have not helped me at all. Yes i went which was a step in itself. But, each time I did I only came out feeling worse about my situation and more stressed. Therapy is supposed to help you relieve some of that not pile more on. So I have now decided not to go to the group sessions and just hope that they understand. I hope that they will still give me support. Because I have a feeling that I won't . That because I couldn't do what they wanted me to that i am just going to be disregarded. Which is a horrible feeling.
I guess I will just have to see what tomorrow brings
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