At the minute I just keep going back and forth.
I haven't really left the house for probably about two weeks. half due to being ill then half due to allowing the mental illness to get the better of me.
I know when I am with friends it makes me feel better but at the moment all I really want to do is get out the house. But what I don't want to do is leave my house to just go an sit in someones elses. Because I have come to realise the longer I stay inside the harder it is going to be to leave the house.
I mean its bad enough now that I wont leave the house on my own. But the friends I have, have other commitments which stop them from going out the house which I completely understand but it doesn't stop me from getting stressed out with the situation.
At first I was grateful just to have friends again. Just to have the company of others. It had been so long since I had actually had a friend so I wouldn't mind just sitting in the house. This is where i start to feel stuck again. Because i felt like I was making progress and in a way I have. But on the other hand I am still avoiding the big issue which is leaving the house.
Recently I have had my support worker coming to visit me at home on a weekly basis. This is because the group therapy hasn't worked for me so between me and the support working we are working on what is called a 'rap plan' which eventually will help me to manage my issues.
The rap plan is basically a booklet. In this booklet we just start off with identifying area in which I struggle. For me it is leaving the house, the way I view myself, the borderline personality disorder and isolating myself. In doing this it helps to highlight what needs to be worked on. We also touch on what I am like when I am well. When the support worker asked me this question I was completely stumped. I was stumped because for the entire time I've been ill I don't think I have ever been asked that question. In all honesty I hadn't really thought about it either. When I had thought about being back to my normal self again I didn't have a specific idea in my head, it was more I just didn't want to be like this anymore. But when I think about it I have always isolated myself in my room. But I have been more sociable. I've had more friends. Been able to enjoy others company. And not hated myself so much.
It was good that we spoke about this because it gave us chance to talk about step that I could take to get back to being happy again. Being some what normal. If normal is even an option anymore.
Now we have a starting point. We have something in mind in what we can work on. One of those things does start with leaving the house. Because i literally never leave the house. I never get any exercise. I have just allowed myself to wallow away and stay in bed watching tv all the time. That is why having a goal to start the gym is a good idea. I have been trying to get people to come with me. But.... its difficult because some people have commitments and then on the other hand I don't have many friends to ask. But it has come to the time were I NEED to push myself out of my comfort zone to do something by myself. Even if I just start off with a walk down the street and back. I can't sit here anymore and expect my brain just to be better one day. Because one day could be in 10 years time. 10 years time is too much of a waste of years. I need to do it now.
What I have been able to understand through working with the mental health team and my support worker more is my borderline personality disorder. I've understood more how it links to my depression. With personality disorder I don't manage things the way other people do. I find it extremely difficult not to get irritated. It happens so often and when I get like that it lead to the impulse side of the illness. The impulse to throw things, shout, let my anger out and harm myself. Harming myself is mainly where those thoughts lead to and its being able to manage that. At the moment I can't.
Its like yesterday... I just didn't feel right all day. I went shopping with my granddad because hes 88 and I would feel awful if something happened to him and I wasn't there to help. He needs the help anyway and the company is good for him. The company is good for me too and it is forcing me to get out the house. But all day I just felt down and irritated. But as you do. I put on a brave face and tried to mask it. I just felt low and annoyed with myself for feeling that way. When we finally got home I thought after a while my mind may calm itself down a bit. Other members of the family came round and everyone talking at once only made the thoughts in my head even louder. So I took myself upstairs, drew the curtains and cried. I cried because I was so fed up of getting like this. I hate the feeling I get and the thoughts that come with it. I know there is no quick fix for mental health but when you feel that way and you are desperate for the thoughts to go away all you want is the quick fix. It just all becomes too much again. Too much to handle. That is when the impulse of self harm is brought on. Self harm helps me to focus on the physical pain instead of the mental pain. So its that bit of a break that you need from inside your own head. But thankfully I didn't turn to that yesterday. I turned to the mental health service and they tried to calm me down and distract me from my thoughts over the phone. I eventually plucked up the courage to shout for my mum to come upstairs. I just kept saying to her I want it to go away. I don't want to live like this anymore. Help me. I don't feel safe. When I say that I mean I don't feel safe from my own thoughts because I don't want to hurt myself but the mind has a strange way of trying to convince you of a way out. Its in that time that you feel most helpless. People try to help you but its difficult for them to find the words. You have to ride it out and hope that you can distract yourself but sometime you feel like that all you ever do is distract yourself. I hate feeling like my mental health is being masked when it needs to be dealt with.
But....today my support worker stepped in and took me to a centre which offers programmes and drop in sessions to help with your confidence and managing your mood. I can not say much on it so far as today was just about identifying areas you want to work on and filling out paper work.
But if there is something that I can take away from today is that although I have had rough times I am keeping an open mind. I am hopeful towards what this centre could do for me.
I will continue to push back against it. Fight back even when I feel like giving up. Anyone else who can relate to this or if you are going through something similar or know anyone going through this.... Don't give in. Don't let them give in. I know it is so difficult. But hang in there. Seek help. Support each other. And even in the darkest of times try to shine a bit of light. Be hopeful that it will work out. Stick on a Disney movie as a distraction because lets face it you can't go wrong with Disney.
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