Back forth but staying hopeful

At the minute I just keep going back and forth. 

I haven't really left the house for probably about two weeks. half due to being ill then half due to allowing the mental illness to get the better of me.
I know when I am with friends it makes me feel better but at the moment all I really want to do is get out the house. But what I don't want to do is leave my house to just go an sit in someones elses. Because I have come to realise the longer I stay inside the harder it is going to be to leave the house. 
I mean its bad enough now that I wont leave the house on my own. But the friends I have, have other commitments which stop them from going out the house which I completely understand but it doesn't stop me from getting stressed out with the situation.
At first I was grateful just to have friends again. Just to have the company of others. It had been so long since I had actually had a friend so I wouldn't mind just sitting in the house. This is where i start to feel stuck again. Because i felt like I was making progress and in a way I have. But on the other hand I am still avoiding the big issue which is leaving the house. 

Recently I have had my support worker coming to visit me at home on a weekly basis. This is because the group therapy hasn't worked for me so between me and the support working we are working on what is called a 'rap plan' which eventually will help me to manage my issues. 
The rap plan is basically a booklet. In this booklet we just start off with identifying area in which I struggle. For me it is leaving the house, the way I view myself, the borderline personality disorder and isolating myself. In doing this it helps to highlight what needs to be worked on. We also touch on what I am like when I am well. When the support worker asked me this question I was completely stumped. I was stumped because for the entire time I've been ill I don't think I have ever been asked that question. In all honesty I hadn't really thought about it either. When I had thought about being back to my normal self again I didn't have a specific idea in my head, it was more I just didn't want to be like this anymore. But when I think about it I have always isolated myself in my room. But I have been more sociable. I've had more friends. Been able to enjoy others company. And not hated myself so much. 
It was good that we spoke about this because it gave us chance to talk about step that I could take to get back to being happy again. Being some what normal. If normal is even an option anymore.   
Now we have a starting point. We have something in mind in what we can work on.  One of those things does start with leaving the house. Because i literally never leave the house. I never get any exercise. I have just allowed myself to wallow away and stay in bed watching tv all the time. That is why having a goal to start the gym is a good idea. I have been trying to get people to come with me. But.... its difficult because some people have commitments and then on the other hand I don't have many friends to ask. But it has come to the time were I NEED to push myself out of my comfort zone to do something by myself. Even if I just start off with a walk down the street and back. I can't sit here anymore and expect my brain just to be better one day. Because one day could be in 10 years time. 10 years time is too much of a waste of years. I need to do it now.

What I have been able to understand through working with the mental health team and my support worker more is my borderline personality disorder. I've understood more how it links to my depression. With personality disorder I don't manage things the way other people do. I find it extremely difficult not to get irritated.  It happens so often and when I get like that it lead to the impulse side of the illness. The impulse to throw things, shout, let my anger out and harm myself. Harming myself is mainly where those thoughts lead to and its being able to manage that. At the moment I can't.
Its like yesterday... I just didn't feel right all day. I went shopping with my granddad because hes 88 and I would feel awful if something happened to him and I wasn't there to help. He needs the help anyway and the company is good for him. The company is good for me too and it is forcing me to get out the house. But all day I just felt down and irritated. But as you do. I put on a brave face and tried to mask it. I just felt low and annoyed with myself for feeling that way. When we finally got home I thought after a while my mind may calm itself down a bit. Other members of the family came round and everyone talking at once only made the thoughts in my head even louder. So I took myself upstairs, drew the curtains and cried. I cried because I was so fed up of getting like this. I hate the feeling I get and the thoughts that come with it. I know there is no quick fix for mental health but when you feel that way and you are desperate for the thoughts to go away all you want is the quick fix. It just all becomes too much again. Too much to handle. That is when the impulse of self harm is brought on. Self harm helps me to focus on the physical pain instead of the mental pain. So its that bit of a break that you need from inside your own head. But thankfully I didn't turn to that yesterday. I turned to the mental health service and they tried to calm me down and distract me from my thoughts over the phone. I eventually plucked up the courage to shout for my mum to come upstairs. I just kept saying to her I want it to go away. I don't want to live like this anymore. Help me. I don't feel safe. When I say that I mean I don't feel safe from my own thoughts because I don't want to hurt myself but the mind has a strange way of trying to convince you of a way out. Its in that time that you feel most helpless. People try to help you but its difficult for them to find the words. You have to ride it out and hope that you can distract yourself but sometime you feel like that all you ever do is distract yourself. I hate feeling like my mental health is being masked when it needs to be dealt with. 
But....today my support worker stepped in and took me to a centre which offers programmes and drop in sessions to help with your confidence and managing your mood. I can not say much on it so far as today was just about identifying areas you want to work on and filling out paper work. 
But if there is something that I can take away from today is that although I have had rough times I am keeping an open mind. I am hopeful towards what this centre could do for me. 

I will continue to push back against it. Fight back even when I feel like giving up. Anyone else who can relate to this or if you are going through something similar or know anyone going through this.... Don't give in. Don't let them give in. I know it is so difficult. But hang in there. Seek help. Support each other. And even in the darkest of times try to shine a bit of light. Be hopeful that it will work out. Stick on a Disney movie as a distraction because lets face it you can't go wrong with Disney.

Why I don't like going out

I've become so scared of the outside world. 

When I say this some people may laugh but to me and many others it is a real problem. I hate going out. Now its not because of the fresh air or the scenery where I live that makes me like this. Its the people. 

Its people who I've become scared of. Scared of even the people I know and have known for years.

I'm scared of seeing them in the street and what they must think of me. 

Scared that they may talk to me. Then there is that awkward conversation. The conversation were they look down on me and think I am lazy for not having a job. For no longer being in education. Looking at me and thinking I am just a low life.

Its not like I haven't had a job before and enjoyed working and my education. And to those (if any) of you who have looked at my previous posts know that I was in University up until November last year but had to leave due to my mental health getting to the point I just couldn't function.

The reason I get so worried that people are going to judge me because I don't do anything is through experience. 

People never start of the conversation with how have you been?
How are you doing? Hows everything going?
They just dive straight in with so what do you do for work? are you studying at the moment?

If you reply with that you are doing neither of these things.... well, its sad to say you just get looked down upon.
People just jump to the conclusion that you are lazy. That you are a slacker. You can see their minds taking in the information and those thoughts showing in their minds.

Now its that which i can't deal with. 

The judgement. 

The judgement of those who know little parts of your life or have heard things through word of mouth or from social networking 'friends' 

They assume they know your whole life story. And within a few seconds they have made their mind up about you. 

Now that is the reason I hate to go out. 

You don't even have to have spoken to someone or even known them these days for them to be able to form an opinion about you. All they have to do is see you and a snap judgement has been made based on how you look. 

I suppose at some point in our lives we are all guilty of making a snap judgement about someone. But now it is time to realise that it just isn't fair.
People like me should not live in fear and anxiety about what others may think and say about us. 

This has become a major contributor in my mental health and I hate it. If we didn't live in a world were we judged people too quickly things would be so much better and easier for people like myself. People wouldn't have to put on such a front or hide away. 

Or only come out at night when they know they won't have to see anyone.

Think before you judge someone because you just never know what actually is going on in their life or how they feel.

The Concert

So a couple of weeks ago one of the people i used to be really close with until our futures took us to different parts of the country, asked me if I wanted to go to a concert. To see Paramore. 

Now paramore is one of of my all time favourite bands. One which I have shared the same room with. And by room I mean concert hall. I have been to see them several times and really enjoyed it. But this time. This time I realised I wouldn't be able to share that experience. As much as I really wanted to go see this band play, I have realised that it is just impossible at this moment in time. The thought of being at a concert now is just scary. Being in a place with that many people at one point in time will most definitely send my brain into a mad panic. I know it will just cause my brain into a mental meltdown. 
I do not want to put myself in a situation like that. It just wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be fair to me. But it also wouldn't be fair to the people who I go with. Because if I had anxiety they would probably miss the best parts of the concert due to having to look after me. Either that or they just wouldn't be bothered and I would be left even more alone and scared than I was before. 

I just really don't want to be that person. The person who looks back on their life. On that time and think about all the things I could have been doing. Could have been enjoying but couldn't because I was so go dam trapped in my mental illnesses. 
Although I am a strong believer in everything happens for a reason and this is supposed to be part of your life to be able to learn and move on with life having learnt hard lessons. I just don't want to waste my time. Waste the time I have on this earth. 
Because life is truly a gift and it goes by so quickly. One minute your a child having fun and not having a care in the world. The next minute you're an adult worrying about bills and how you look. 

Groups are not for me

So Ive been going to therapy for a good few weeks now.
The therapy I go to is with several other people. People like me who have personality disorder. 
The group sessions are made to help us. Help us to break down and control our emotions, impulses and thoughts. But I find that it just isn't working for me.

Last Tuesday at the session I had to leave the room. I left because i was getting myself so upset. I just realised how much everyone was different from me. How the majority of them didn't even talk about depression, sadness and loneliness. They just talked about their anger and impulses to do silly things which could escalate and get yourself in trouble or land yourself in difficult situations. Now i understand this is all part of personality disorder but....what I needed was something that would help me to cope with feeling so low. 
When I was outside the room I just could not hold back the tears. Once one fell they just kept of flowing down my cheeks.
I just kept wondering why can't i control this. Why do i feel so down? I mean in the moment with certain people I can enjoy myself and have a good time but other times when I'm not with them I just feel like utter shit. And it's hard to stop feeling that way.
People always say you shouldn't think that way... You have so much to live for.... What have you got to be unhappy about.......... They just don't understand that i truly don't have control over feeling this way. Do people really think that if I had a choice I wouldn't choose to be happy?
I think everyone in this world would choose to me happy. No-one choose their emotions. They just happen. And sometimes there doesn't need to be a reason for those emotions. 

After 10-15 minutes I wiped the now mascara stained cheeks and composed myself. I made a point of telling them unhappiness, sadness and loneliness where my problems and my thoughts were the things that I couldn't control. By saying this I thought it would prompt the therapists to talk about this. To ask if anyone else felt this way or even to just acknowledge that I felt like crap. But no they said "We will talk about that in the one to one" 
Now i wasn't the first person who they had said this to. It just seemed as if they were saying that is not important, you don't matter. fuck off. To just dismiss something like that after you had been told that in that room with everyone else you could talk about anything.. was just really disappointing. I understand that as their job to lead this group they have topics they need to touch on, but when people feel confident enough to be able to say something don't jut dismiss it. It like the entire world all over again. People always trying to fit you in a square box when everyone is different, some people are rectangle, some circles. People are never going to fit into your box. I wish people would stop trying to force it. Just because you have a degree and your profession is a therapist. It doesn't always mean you are going to know exactly what it is like. Yes you can empathise with someone. But the only way you are really going to understand is having been in tat situation yourself. 

I can honestly say that those group sessions have not helped me at all. Yes i went which was a step in itself. But, each time I did I only came out feeling worse about my situation and more stressed. Therapy is supposed to help you relieve some of that not pile more on. So I have now decided not to go to the group sessions and just hope that they understand. I hope that they will still give me support. Because I have a feeling that I won't . That because I couldn't do what they wanted me to that i am just going to be disregarded. Which is a horrible feeling.

I guess I will just have to see what tomorrow brings

Backtracking

I always feel like I am backtracking.

I have periods when I start to feel better. When I say 'feel better' I just mean that I find it more bearable to get through the days.
I feel like this for a while. Its as if I begin to forget about how bad I feel, I forget about all the negative thoughts that have been running round in my head. And life doesn't seem so dark. I can focus a little more on things.
But.... There is always the down fall.
It always leads back to that.
A few days before it arrives I can feel it building up again.
Thoughts start to swirl again. The world dims and things become unbearable again. I try to shut out the negative voices but they always come back in.
This is what happened this bank holiday.
Instead of spending the day relaxing or doing something nice with family, I met breaking point instead.
It was just too much for me. To carry on this way. I came to the conclusion that life just wasn't worth living. It is a waste of a life to spend it this down and always trying to push the suicidal thoughts to the back of my mind. Being so painfully lonely and not being able to do a thing about it because my brain just wont allow me to.

I tried to distract myself from these thoughts. I tried to read. Tried to sleep. Tried to do something productive. I even tried to exercise. But the thoughts where too much. The urge to do it was so strong and convincing. I rang the mental health team who I am under. I spoke to a lovely woman and she tried to help me. Told me I needed to distract myself. I needed to try and calm myself down. So I took the conversation on board. But twenty minutes later I found myself desperate for help. Desperate for these intense feelings to stop. The next woman who I spoke to was unhelpful. I needed immediate help and all she asked me was what help do you need. I don't know. I am not medically trained in mental health so I don't really know what they could do for me. I just needed help. I needed to feel safe from myself. But this woman only made me more frustrated because she asked me so why haven't you killed yourself?
Well because I want help that's why. I don't want to end my life if this can be sorted but I will if this carries on. I can't cope with this horrible feeling. This intense feeling. I ended up putting the phone down on this woman and taking myself to accident and emergency at the hospital. 

On arriving at the hospital I was very on edge and emotionally and mentally unstable. I checked in at the desk. Whispering to the receptionist why I was here and that I would either be outside or waiting in a quiet area because I couldn't bare people in the waiting room to be looking at me. 

When I was called to be assessed by the triage nurse i broke down. I couldn't control my crying. I sobbed and she put her hand on my knee. Just a small gesture, showing me empathy and listening to every word I said. We talked for a couple of minutes so she could make a full assessment before passing me on to the mental health team. She asked me if I had harmed myself..........
I shamefully admitted that I had. I did it to try and be in control again. To try and stop the mental pain for even just a second. To try and focus on the physical pain. To distract me from the way I was feeling... But it didn't work. It was something I hadn't done for a while but it was the only thing that I thought might work.

The next four hours I spent waiting to see the mental health team. All the while I wanted to run away and end my life. It is horrible to feel this way. To feel a risk to yourself. To feel that you are not in control anymore and if you didn't get immediate help you would end your life.
Finally the mental health team arrived. Two members of staff who I sat in a quiet room with. We talked. And I cried a lot. They was trying to get to the route of this feeling. Kept asking me why I hadn't ended my life? Why I had chosen to come to the hospital instead. Why I explained to them the same reason I had told the other assessment team over the phone. I just felt unsafe. 

I just needed something to get me through the next twelve hours. Because in twelve hours (the following day) I would be attending group therapy which is clinically proven to help me control my intense emotions, impulses and relationship management which is some of the things that fall under this new diagnosis of Borderline personality disorder.  

I just needed something to get me to that session the next day.
The took me to a part of the hospital which was a ward for the walking well. Which was basically for people who could mobilise fully and would come in for treatments then go back home the same day once signed off as fit and well enough to do so.
The mental health team gave me a tablet. Something I can't even remember the name of. But it was to relax me. To help suppress the feelings of feeling like this. 

After a while the tablet started to kick in and I texted my mum explaining what had gone on. Mum was really supportive. Knowing it was a difficult thing that I had to tell her about. Knowing that I was worried about upsetting her. At around eleven that evening the mental health team came back round to review me.
We had the same discussions that we had earlier when I first arrived. We noticed that there was a considerable difference in the way I was feeling. While the thoughts of being better off day hadn't gone away completely, the had died down a considerable about. They were happy to discharge me to my home knowing that I felt better, had the support of my family and had a session which I would be attending the following day.

When I arrived home my mind was taken off the thoughts altogether and replaced with how exhausted I felt. How emotionally and mentally drained I was. I just fell straight asleep. 

Ready for the group therapy the following day.