Why I don't like going out

I've become so scared of the outside world. 

When I say this some people may laugh but to me and many others it is a real problem. I hate going out. Now its not because of the fresh air or the scenery where I live that makes me like this. Its the people. 

Its people who I've become scared of. Scared of even the people I know and have known for years.

I'm scared of seeing them in the street and what they must think of me. 

Scared that they may talk to me. Then there is that awkward conversation. The conversation were they look down on me and think I am lazy for not having a job. For no longer being in education. Looking at me and thinking I am just a low life.

Its not like I haven't had a job before and enjoyed working and my education. And to those (if any) of you who have looked at my previous posts know that I was in University up until November last year but had to leave due to my mental health getting to the point I just couldn't function.

The reason I get so worried that people are going to judge me because I don't do anything is through experience. 

People never start of the conversation with how have you been?
How are you doing? Hows everything going?
They just dive straight in with so what do you do for work? are you studying at the moment?

If you reply with that you are doing neither of these things.... well, its sad to say you just get looked down upon.
People just jump to the conclusion that you are lazy. That you are a slacker. You can see their minds taking in the information and those thoughts showing in their minds.

Now its that which i can't deal with. 

The judgement. 

The judgement of those who know little parts of your life or have heard things through word of mouth or from social networking 'friends' 

They assume they know your whole life story. And within a few seconds they have made their mind up about you. 

Now that is the reason I hate to go out. 

You don't even have to have spoken to someone or even known them these days for them to be able to form an opinion about you. All they have to do is see you and a snap judgement has been made based on how you look. 

I suppose at some point in our lives we are all guilty of making a snap judgement about someone. But now it is time to realise that it just isn't fair.
People like me should not live in fear and anxiety about what others may think and say about us. 

This has become a major contributor in my mental health and I hate it. If we didn't live in a world were we judged people too quickly things would be so much better and easier for people like myself. People wouldn't have to put on such a front or hide away. 

Or only come out at night when they know they won't have to see anyone.

Think before you judge someone because you just never know what actually is going on in their life or how they feel.

My therapy

Hey its me again.

I know I don't really post at a steady pace. I do it as and when I feel I need to. This is my form of therapy.
Over the past week or so I have faded in and out of a state of numbness. That's the only way I really know how to describe it. Numb.....Vacant. Not really here but at the same time I am no where else. It is like I retreat into the blackness of the back of my mind. I get like this sometimes. When the world is just beating me down and I can't take it anymore I become this state of numbness. 

Not really feeling or knowing anything. Just being in a state of depressive darkness. Feeling too much to cry. Too down to even move. 

I find that this state can last a from a few hours to a few days. I will sleep a lot. I am so drained that this is all I can do. It is either that or state into the blackness of my life. It feels like sleepwalking. Sleeping walking my life away. Its strange but now I have gotten pretty used to this happening over the past year. I think its my brain overheating. Telling me that it is at that stage of breaking point again. Knowing that I cant cope with the emotions about to come so instead of it flicking the suicide switch on it flicks the power down switch. Allowing me time to just be. Just lay there. 

Over time I power up again. Having to deal with the emotions, thinking and feelings coming back into play. I hate it. I hate this period of time because everything only irritates and annoys me more. Every little noise that is made. The chatter of people in the house. Too many people talking at once. My brain not being able to cope with the above quiet noise. Wanting to rip my hair out and scream in frustration. But all the while I hold this in. Not showing it. Wearing my mask again. I promised myself once I started this blog, no more hiding. No more wearing that mask. But I have just found myself falling into the habit of hiding how much I am struggling again. I feel that it is just a lose lose situation. You hang up the mask and show how you're really feeling. Bearing all the emotions and struggles you go through on a daily basis and you're met with people who don't know what to say or..... The most annoying thing someone could possibly say to me.'Try'..

There is that word. 'try'. Just try to do something today. Try to be happy. Try to socialise with people. Try to leave the house. Just try to do something. I feeling intense anger come over me when someone says this. What do you think I've been doing!?
I try everyday. Everyday is a struggle and yet some days I am able to over come it and actually get dressed and put some makeup on. But this for some people doesn't seem to be trying at all. People really do not understand the struggles people with mental health go through each day. Getting out of bed....Being here another day is a great step forward. A step forward because we haven't given into the voices in our heads. The ones that constantly tell us it isn't worth it. Life isn't worth it. You're not worth it. Things would be better if you just went away. Telling you that you are useless. Just because instant results aren't seen doesn't mean we don't try. So please before you tell someone 'try'...Think......Think what you're actually saying. Think how people may interpret that.

A lot has happened part 1

A lot has happened since I last blogged.

My sister has gotten into University to do nursing which is great. Its not that I am not proud of her but it makes it difficult for me. Its so difficult to watch someone go for something you have had to stop. Your dream that you've had to stop chasing due to ill health.  I am so disappointed. Disappointed I had to put it all on hold. Now instead of being on the front line...I am on the side line. As soon as I found out she had gotten in a huge smile came across my face. But just as quickly as it had appeared it disappeared. For the rest of that day I slept in total darkness. I wouldn't come out of my room. My mum tried to cox me out but I wouldn't move. She didn't know what the reason was but she knew I was down. Down enough that it effected her and made her upset. And the best result was to allow me to sleep the rest of the day off because it would probably make me feel better once I had woken up. 

The following day I got up and decided that it was a new day and I was going to try and make it count. My medication was due to be picked up. Usually, even though the doctors is just a short walk away I would get a taxi there due to my depression and anxiety levels being through the roof. But that day I had woken up feeling slightly better than usual so i decided to be brave. Brave enough to walk to the doctors and back. This is a huge deal for me even though it may be a simple task for most people. But not for me. Not for someone who hasn't left the house properly or even on their own in nearly 6 months.
It was so scary just to think about leaving the house. So i didn't. I didn't think about it. I just showered and took my time getting ready. Enjoying putting my makeup on which made me feel much better. If i didn't think about what I was going to do it gave me less time to be able to talk myself out of it. I am really good at that... Talking myself out of things. So good I think I am going to state that as a skill in future interviews.
What I was so grateful for that day was my sister. She was so encouraging. She kept telling me I could do it. And I could ring her if I had any problems. So without thinking about it too much i grabbed my phone, plugged in my earphones, blasted my music (Disney songs... because they always made me feel good) and walked. It was when I got there that the problems started. I had to wait 5 minutes before my medication would be ready. Sitting in a room full of people. I just became very self conscious. Self conscious of everything. My breathing, how I looked and how I held myself. Once my medication was ready I near enough ran out of the pharmacy nearly taking out two small children on my way. I sat on a bench outside away from everyone and just breathed deeply. Focusing on a steady rhythm until it was natural again. Then I ran my sister until I felt like I could move again without having an anxiety surge.
On my way back home I realised how unfit I was. How out of breath I became from just walking. I hadn't realised that before all this started I used to be active. I used to walk everyday. Now this just added to my worries. But I know that now mental health isn't just something that needs to take a front seat but it is my physical health too. Once I returned home I did feel better that I had been out and about. But I said I wouldn't be doing that again anytime soon. Especially not on my own as I felt slightly traumatised by the experience.    

Another thing I started doing is talking to an old friend. Someone I used to work with. We don't really speak but that night me asking him for advice has turned into me kind of helping him out. Which I just want to make clear is a very good thing as it helps me to focus on something else for a change. He is struggling. The way he is pouring out what has been bothering him just shows that he is at the end. The end of bottling things up. He can't cope anymore. I can just tell. I can tell because I've been there so I know the signs. I really hope that in some way I can help him. Because at times that are dark you need someone to help you see the light. Help him to regain a healthy mind. He openly told me about his coping strategy. His self medication through drugs and alcohol. But... that's just suppressing it. If you push water to the bottom of the bottle while the water is still running eventually that bottle is still going to overflow. I admire his bravery. To admit to this is difficult but the first step to getting better is acknowledgement. He is a good person. But he wears a mask just like many other people around the world. A mask of joy and happiness which hides his face from the world. Hides his current self. A self of sadness and grief. One that longs to cry out for help but does not know where to begin. 


Over the past week things have escalated with me. Escalated to the point where I did not want to be here anymore. I didn't want to be alive. I had it planned out. I had continued with my therapy. But... the day of my last therapy session was breaking point for me. Although I had hit breaking point before. This time... This time had been far more intense. I attended therapy because a part of me wanted to try to reach out just one more time. To give it one more chance before waving my flag and jumping from a bridge. A bridge which I had in mind the whole car journey to therapy. The bridge I was going to visit and make it my final visit on this earth if something didn't change soon. And I mean very soon. I just had a complete break down as soon as I was behind closed door with my therapist. But just before I went into that room. I was sat in a waiting room. A waiting room full of newborns. Babies... their lives just beginning. That was when I started to tear up looking at them. Thinking about my unborn niece. Thinking about how much better off she would be not having me in her life. Not having someone as fucked in the head as me. An emotional wreck of an auntie that she did not need or need to know. I just kept thinking a short walk away from here and it will all be over. All the pain gone forever. Just a quick smash of pain then it would be gone forever. No longer suffering and dragging those around me down too. I can't keep going on like this. I can't survive when my mind keeps going to dark places it is just too difficult. It is horrible, then comes the fear of something terrible happening. My therapist listened to all of this as I spilled every last bean that I had been holding onto. I cried and cried about how I didn't know what to do. That I didn't know what help was out there. If there was any help at all. I cried about if I didn't get immediate help I was going to end it all because it was just too unbearable to try and handle anymore.
She rang the mental health assessment team straight away and we both explained to them what was been going on and gave them a brief history. They noticed immediately that i was in a crisis. They knew how desperate I was. And that i needed immediate help. I got in a taxi and a short while later I walked into the assessment centre to see the mental health team and see what they could do for me. They talked to me for a long time, which mainly consisted on me crying. They told me they thought I had boarder-line personality disorder along with the other things. Which only made me even more anxious. The nurse and doctor who I was sat in a quiet room with tried to make me feel better by saying that all of this. All the things I am feeling and the state of mind I am in are treatable, life is worth living. They explained how I would benefit from some alternative therapies but not the CBT which I had previously been on and found out it hasn't really done the job. The doctor explained about the benefits from more medication. Great something else to add to the ones I already have. If this carries on ill rattle whenever I move. They both left the room saying that they would be back shortly they where just going to get some paper work to make a management plan for my care and a prescription for medication which would stop the impulse of wanting to hurt myself. When they left the room I realised that when anyone wanted to get into the room they had to use a key. I had a moment of panic thinking that I had been locked into the room because I was a risk. My thoughts raced to being hospitalised. Later once they came back into the room I realised this was just so people couldn't wonder into any room they wanted. But the person on the inside could get out whenever they wanted or needed to.  They came back with medication and a plan set up for mental health nurses to come out to my home and visit me. To be able to manage and keep an eye on my mood. My mood is still up and down now but the new medication does suppress the urge of wanting to cause harm to myself. But on the other side of it, it makes me incredibly tired. So tired that I will sleep most of the day and it also gives me a dry mouth. And when I say dry mouth I mean tongue sticking to the inside of your mouth kinda dry. So dry to the point where i find it difficult to talk without tripping over my own words or I become that self conscious of it i don't want to talk to people or when I do. I have to apologise for the way I am talking so people don't think I'm on drugs. Well....... i am on drugs.. just the legal and prescribed kind.

March 12th Minus the Romance

Just as I thought I was getting a handle on this depression it has pushed me back.
Up until today I felt like I was making progress.

Therapy had been going okay.  I felt I had formed a bond with my therapist not to mention how lovely she was. She had all the answers I need with the hope I would feel better and she made me feel at ease instantly. We had just been working on identifying what my key issues were that had been holding me back causing me to become an isolated hermit. 

We talked about this a lot and realised most of the issues surrounded the way I viewed myself.

One of the main reasons I get so anxious about leaving the house is in case I see someone I know. In case someone asks me what I am doing now. I would'nt know how to respond. What would I say? . "Hey, no I feel like shit and just the other day I had to drop out of University because of my crippling depression and anxiety. Oh and to top it all off I have no friends and hate myself"

I don't exactly see that conversation going down too well.

One thing that keeps going round in my head is something my therapist said was  'Fake it before you make it'. She went on to tell me how many people fake confidence.  At first this concept sounded a little strange but then I understood it. I understood it because Id been faking being fine for so long. Unless you give off the impression that something is wrong with you people just never know. So if I fake confidence people will never be able to tell how truly anxious I am. This is a huge step but it is one I am willing to consider if it means getting my life back on track. 

We also talked about getting out of the house. Scheduling activities to do on a weekly basis and sticking to them, even if it is something small. Because one of the first things that goes out the window when it comes to depression and anxiety is your routine and taking part in things you enjoy. Baby steps is the key to this. Walking before you can run. Trying not to overwhelm myself by doing too much too soon. Although most of these scheduled activities so far involve in working out in my bedroom. An hour a day, but at least its something. Its a start. 

But it still upsets me about how lonely I actually am. People talk about being there for you and if you want to talk they will listen. Its not as simple as that though. It becomes very difficult to start a conversation about how I feel. It's not always easy to close the flood gates once you open them up. I have seen what it does to people when you talk to them about this sort of stuff. I have seen how people get fed up and start to become withdrawn from you. Resenting you. No longer being there for you because they have grown tired.
I reached out to an old friend Racheal and I know for sure that she has back. She understood where my head was at straight away without having to go into detail. 

I miss going outside. I miss not being afraid to step outside. I miss having a social life with people that I actually enjoy being around. I miss being able to go out and have a laugh. But all I feel now is sadness and guilt. I feel guilty for being this way. Guilty for not trying harder at things.  I just don't want to feel this way forever and this is what I am scared is going to happen. Im scared this will never leave me.
I look back and think what happened?
What happened to the girl who went to Romania on her own?
Who would walk home from work and enjoy it? Enjoy going into work and looking after people, showing them the love and compassion they deserved. 

I have to try and stay positive through all of this. I have to try and overcome this feeling and go out and enjoy myself. My 20's are supposed to be the best years of my life. I want to be able to look back at this diary thinking I did it. I made it to the other side alive and a became a stronger person. I do not want to be that person you hear about on the news who struggled for a long time with mental health but in the end it consumed them and took their life. I have noticed one of the things that keeps setting me back is men. I let my guard down around them too often. I think because I long to be close to someone I ignore the signs that they are no good and believe that they have changed. That they like me for who I am and want to be with me. But it always turns out that they make promises they cant keep and say things they don't mean just to get what they want. It really messes with my head. Then when they see you upset and see that they hurt you they either don't care or its too late for them to even try to apologise. Or in more cases often than not I forgive them. Only to be reeled in again and again until I look like a complete and utter fool. And because I have complained about that person so much but continue to take them back I am the one who looks like the crazy girl, resulting in once again everyone getting fed up of me.
So I have now decided that until I get better I am cutting men romantically out of my life. Or anyone romantically out of the picture until I feel considerably better. This is the best option for me.
Working on myself. Focusing on myself.

I'll have a meal with a side of anxiety please!!

So today was a pretty big step for me. I actually left the house!
My mum and dad managed to convince me to go on a walk with them. Thankfully that morning I had woken up in a not so awful mood. Whilst my parents had given me what they call "plenty" of time to get ready was a bonus for me. Now two hours to get ready for most people is more than enough time. However, for me it takes me a while to get ready as everything has to be perfect. I have to put my war paint on. I call it war paint as it is the only thing that prepares me for the battle ahead... the outside world... the world outside my house or as a matter of fact the world outside my bedroom. 
Anyway after getting ready I then had to wait round for my parents to be ready. Now for me this is a major problem. Having the time to.....Let me rephrase that. Having to wait round for people....isn't the best idea. It gives my mind the opportunity to wonder. To rummage round in all the things I have buried and pluck one at random bringing all the attention to that one thing. Which is what happened just before we went out.
My usual response to this would be to hide away, stay in my room and sleep. But..I had no luck there as soon after my parents were ready and heading out of the door me following closely behind.
Once I was our in the fresh air walking around I felt a little better. But I soon notices I could not have a conversation without being as sharp and bitter as the racing wind that blew in my face.

Now that the first challenge was over I had my next one awaiting me just a short car journey ahead. 
A pub meal
A meal not in my own house.
A public meal.
Meaning me surrounded by others.....Eating in front of them.
As I sat at a table in the pub a huge lump formed in my throat. I felt exposed and as though everyones eyes where placed on me. I felt even more vulnerable than I did normally. I hoped I wouldn't have to make conversation with any of the staff. Oh god please don't make eye contact with me. Thankfully you had to place your orders at the bar and my dad was on hand to do such a task.  This way the only people I had to make conversation with was my parents. Once I was seated at the table in a corner it wasn't so bad. It was having to then stand up fully expose my vulnerability and have to pass within close contact of others in order to get out of the pub.
I remember years ago I had the same sort of panic. I was on a bus, that was fairly empty on my journey into town. I noticed the bus start to full up. Before I knew it, it was overcrowded. In the same fear of coming in close contact with others or something awful happening causing me to draw even more attention to myself..I stayed on the bus. I missed my stop and several stops after that until the bus reached its final destination which was John Lennon Airport. I distinctively remember the bus driver turning from his seat to see if there was any passengers still on the bus. His eyes focused on me and he gave me a puzzled look. Once the bus started off again. In a blind panic a few stops later in a safeish looking area I practically ran off the bus, only to then realise i was completely lost.
Lets just say it had been an awful day and a memory of anxiety I am reminded of way too often. No matter how hard I try to suppress my experiences of anxiety and depression something always seems to flick on a switch in my mind casting light upon those memories. 
For some people it may not seem like a big deal but for me things like this..... "Memories" are very much nightmaries.