My therapy

Hey its me again.

I know I don't really post at a steady pace. I do it as and when I feel I need to. This is my form of therapy.
Over the past week or so I have faded in and out of a state of numbness. That's the only way I really know how to describe it. Numb.....Vacant. Not really here but at the same time I am no where else. It is like I retreat into the blackness of the back of my mind. I get like this sometimes. When the world is just beating me down and I can't take it anymore I become this state of numbness. 

Not really feeling or knowing anything. Just being in a state of depressive darkness. Feeling too much to cry. Too down to even move. 

I find that this state can last a from a few hours to a few days. I will sleep a lot. I am so drained that this is all I can do. It is either that or state into the blackness of my life. It feels like sleepwalking. Sleeping walking my life away. Its strange but now I have gotten pretty used to this happening over the past year. I think its my brain overheating. Telling me that it is at that stage of breaking point again. Knowing that I cant cope with the emotions about to come so instead of it flicking the suicide switch on it flicks the power down switch. Allowing me time to just be. Just lay there. 

Over time I power up again. Having to deal with the emotions, thinking and feelings coming back into play. I hate it. I hate this period of time because everything only irritates and annoys me more. Every little noise that is made. The chatter of people in the house. Too many people talking at once. My brain not being able to cope with the above quiet noise. Wanting to rip my hair out and scream in frustration. But all the while I hold this in. Not showing it. Wearing my mask again. I promised myself once I started this blog, no more hiding. No more wearing that mask. But I have just found myself falling into the habit of hiding how much I am struggling again. I feel that it is just a lose lose situation. You hang up the mask and show how you're really feeling. Bearing all the emotions and struggles you go through on a daily basis and you're met with people who don't know what to say or..... The most annoying thing someone could possibly say to me.'Try'..

There is that word. 'try'. Just try to do something today. Try to be happy. Try to socialise with people. Try to leave the house. Just try to do something. I feeling intense anger come over me when someone says this. What do you think I've been doing!?
I try everyday. Everyday is a struggle and yet some days I am able to over come it and actually get dressed and put some makeup on. But this for some people doesn't seem to be trying at all. People really do not understand the struggles people with mental health go through each day. Getting out of bed....Being here another day is a great step forward. A step forward because we haven't given into the voices in our heads. The ones that constantly tell us it isn't worth it. Life isn't worth it. You're not worth it. Things would be better if you just went away. Telling you that you are useless. Just because instant results aren't seen doesn't mean we don't try. So please before you tell someone 'try'...Think......Think what you're actually saying. Think how people may interpret that.