March 12th Minus the Romance

Just as I thought I was getting a handle on this depression it has pushed me back.
Up until today I felt like I was making progress.

Therapy had been going okay.  I felt I had formed a bond with my therapist not to mention how lovely she was. She had all the answers I need with the hope I would feel better and she made me feel at ease instantly. We had just been working on identifying what my key issues were that had been holding me back causing me to become an isolated hermit. 

We talked about this a lot and realised most of the issues surrounded the way I viewed myself.

One of the main reasons I get so anxious about leaving the house is in case I see someone I know. In case someone asks me what I am doing now. I would'nt know how to respond. What would I say? . "Hey, no I feel like shit and just the other day I had to drop out of University because of my crippling depression and anxiety. Oh and to top it all off I have no friends and hate myself"

I don't exactly see that conversation going down too well.

One thing that keeps going round in my head is something my therapist said was  'Fake it before you make it'. She went on to tell me how many people fake confidence.  At first this concept sounded a little strange but then I understood it. I understood it because Id been faking being fine for so long. Unless you give off the impression that something is wrong with you people just never know. So if I fake confidence people will never be able to tell how truly anxious I am. This is a huge step but it is one I am willing to consider if it means getting my life back on track. 

We also talked about getting out of the house. Scheduling activities to do on a weekly basis and sticking to them, even if it is something small. Because one of the first things that goes out the window when it comes to depression and anxiety is your routine and taking part in things you enjoy. Baby steps is the key to this. Walking before you can run. Trying not to overwhelm myself by doing too much too soon. Although most of these scheduled activities so far involve in working out in my bedroom. An hour a day, but at least its something. Its a start. 

But it still upsets me about how lonely I actually am. People talk about being there for you and if you want to talk they will listen. Its not as simple as that though. It becomes very difficult to start a conversation about how I feel. It's not always easy to close the flood gates once you open them up. I have seen what it does to people when you talk to them about this sort of stuff. I have seen how people get fed up and start to become withdrawn from you. Resenting you. No longer being there for you because they have grown tired.
I reached out to an old friend Racheal and I know for sure that she has back. She understood where my head was at straight away without having to go into detail. 

I miss going outside. I miss not being afraid to step outside. I miss having a social life with people that I actually enjoy being around. I miss being able to go out and have a laugh. But all I feel now is sadness and guilt. I feel guilty for being this way. Guilty for not trying harder at things.  I just don't want to feel this way forever and this is what I am scared is going to happen. Im scared this will never leave me.
I look back and think what happened?
What happened to the girl who went to Romania on her own?
Who would walk home from work and enjoy it? Enjoy going into work and looking after people, showing them the love and compassion they deserved. 

I have to try and stay positive through all of this. I have to try and overcome this feeling and go out and enjoy myself. My 20's are supposed to be the best years of my life. I want to be able to look back at this diary thinking I did it. I made it to the other side alive and a became a stronger person. I do not want to be that person you hear about on the news who struggled for a long time with mental health but in the end it consumed them and took their life. I have noticed one of the things that keeps setting me back is men. I let my guard down around them too often. I think because I long to be close to someone I ignore the signs that they are no good and believe that they have changed. That they like me for who I am and want to be with me. But it always turns out that they make promises they cant keep and say things they don't mean just to get what they want. It really messes with my head. Then when they see you upset and see that they hurt you they either don't care or its too late for them to even try to apologise. Or in more cases often than not I forgive them. Only to be reeled in again and again until I look like a complete and utter fool. And because I have complained about that person so much but continue to take them back I am the one who looks like the crazy girl, resulting in once again everyone getting fed up of me.
So I have now decided that until I get better I am cutting men romantically out of my life. Or anyone romantically out of the picture until I feel considerably better. This is the best option for me.
Working on myself. Focusing on myself.