So today was a pretty big step for me. I actually left the house!
My mum and dad managed to convince me to go on a walk with them. Thankfully that morning I had woken up in a not so awful mood. Whilst my parents had given me what they call "plenty" of time to get ready was a bonus for me. Now two hours to get ready for most people is more than enough time. However, for me it takes me a while to get ready as everything has to be perfect. I have to put my war paint on. I call it war paint as it is the only thing that prepares me for the battle ahead... the outside world... the world outside my house or as a matter of fact the world outside my bedroom.
Anyway after getting ready I then had to wait round for my parents to be ready. Now for me this is a major problem. Having the time to.....Let me rephrase that. Having to wait round for people....isn't the best idea. It gives my mind the opportunity to wonder. To rummage round in all the things I have buried and pluck one at random bringing all the attention to that one thing. Which is what happened just before we went out.
My usual response to this would be to hide away, stay in my room and sleep. But..I had no luck there as soon after my parents were ready and heading out of the door me following closely behind.
Once I was our in the fresh air walking around I felt a little better. But I soon notices I could not have a conversation without being as sharp and bitter as the racing wind that blew in my face.
Now that the first challenge was over I had my next one awaiting me just a short car journey ahead.
A pub meal
A meal not in my own house.
A public meal.
Meaning me surrounded by others.....Eating in front of them.
As I sat at a table in the pub a huge lump formed in my throat. I felt exposed and as though everyones eyes where placed on me. I felt even more vulnerable than I did normally. I hoped I wouldn't have to make conversation with any of the staff. Oh god please don't make eye contact with me. Thankfully you had to place your orders at the bar and my dad was on hand to do such a task. This way the only people I had to make conversation with was my parents. Once I was seated at the table in a corner it wasn't so bad. It was having to then stand up fully expose my vulnerability and have to pass within close contact of others in order to get out of the pub.
I remember years ago I had the same sort of panic. I was on a bus, that was fairly empty on my journey into town. I noticed the bus start to full up. Before I knew it, it was overcrowded. In the same fear of coming in close contact with others or something awful happening causing me to draw even more attention to myself..I stayed on the bus. I missed my stop and several stops after that until the bus reached its final destination which was John Lennon Airport. I distinctively remember the bus driver turning from his seat to see if there was any passengers still on the bus. His eyes focused on me and he gave me a puzzled look. Once the bus started off again. In a blind panic a few stops later in a safeish looking area I practically ran off the bus, only to then realise i was completely lost.
Lets just say it had been an awful day and a memory of anxiety I am reminded of way too often. No matter how hard I try to suppress my experiences of anxiety and depression something always seems to flick on a switch in my mind casting light upon those memories.
For some people it may not seem like a big deal but for me things like this..... "Memories" are very much nightmaries.
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