Sleepless Night And An Overactive Mind

This is something I wrote last night. As I find that when I am feeling down or my mind becomes restless it is best to channel it into writing. By talking openly about my battle with Mental Health I hope to break the stigma and give people an insight into what it can be like.

Tonight my thoughts have gotten worse. 

This is the thing with depression. I can feel fine one moment and then terrible the next. My mind keeps floating back to my chance of happiness. But on the other hand I know that this chance of "Happiness" would have never have worked out as I often blamed myself for the one he treated me rather than realising that it was not me who should feel guilty and upset but it should be him. He should feel that way for the way he treated me and those around him. 

Then my mind floats to guilt. That is what it always circles back to. The sickening feeling of guilt. I feel like a complete let down. I feel like I should be better. Getting on with my life like so many people around me are able to do. I feel judged and anxious that because people don't understand my Depression and the way it has impacted my daily life that they now brand me as being lazy.
Thinking this way only spirals downwards as I start to zone in on the way I look. The way in which people have picked on me years ago and now their hateful words have been forever embedded in my brain and broken the confidence I once had. Too fat. Too lazy. Too ugly. No good at anything. Always pushing people away. 

I didn't want to get out of bed today (which is like most days for me). But today I pushed myself to get washed and dressed. This may seem like an easy enough task for most people but this was a real struggle because I didn't want to face the world. But i did it!
Only to then get back into bed and not leave my room all day. Then that night. Tonight. I started to feel guilty about staying in bed. Guilty about feeling sad and depressed.
It is a vicious cycle and I just have to take each day as it comes and pray that tomorrow will be a better day. A day where I will feel normal and not like i'm barely here. 

Although I am lucky as I have a supportive family and people around me to talk about these things but a lot of people don't so is some information for those who need support or someone to talk to.

SAMARITANS: 116 123

DEPRESSION ALLIANCE:0845 123 23 20

MIND:http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/depression/#.WKx76vmLTIU