March 6th

The hardest decision I have had to make and I've done it. 
I've officially dropped out of University. I can not express how disappointed but relieved I am at the same time.  But I have to face the fact that I am just not well enough to continue. I think I knew a long time ago that I wouldn't be going back but I just hoped and prayed that I would be better. That my brain would allow me to continue without placing self doubt and hatred first. 
Where do I go from here?
What is my next step?
The one thing I know for sure is that University is not that step just yet. 
No-one ever says how mental health can completely put your life on hold.
No job. No University. No social life. Is this all worth it? This is a question I continually ask myself.
There are things that can change over night and I wish the way I viewed myself was one of those. 
My next goal and focus is my health. The most important being my mental health.
Continuing with therapy and working on myself.  One of these steps towards a healthy mind is exercise. When you exercise your brain releases endorphin's (The feel good chemical) that I know I would benefit from and it would give me the boost that I need.
I have gained so much weight since I became depressed. Before I came home from Birmingham I would not leave the house. I was too scared to leave or to see anyone. This stopped me from even going down to the kitchen to get food. I would wait till everyone was out or had gone to bed and I would order fast food. I found comfort in food but afterwards I did nothing but continue with the self loathing. Back then I wasn't bothered about my weight. I don't even think I realised how unhealthy I was becoming. I would only ever wear pjs so I never noticed gaining weight. I did no exercise at all. I wouldn't even look in the mirror. It wasn't until I came back home i noticed a big change in my weight.

I am sat here watching Khloe Kardashians revenge body and I can totaly understand what people who appear on the show are going through. After watching a couple of episodes and thinking about my weight I came to the realisation the only way I am going to make a change is from the inside outwards. I know overall health is an issue I have. So I have made a promise to myself.
A promise to workout, Replace comfort food with comfort snacks, healthy alternatives, starting the gym with my dad is a goal I also have. Being able to go into a public place and not have a complete melt down or care what people think is something I really want to do. I have realised that from now on everything I do needs to be for me. 
I need to do this for me. For my health. The only way I am going to get better is if I focus on me. I want to be a better me. 


I started healthy eating and working out and I can say it has been 10 days. I have lost an overall of 5inch. This has made me feel better because I know that I can do it. The workouts have given me boost of good chemicals that I need. I am determined to continue on this track in order to become healthy from the inside out.