Recently I have started therapy to try and help treat my Depression. The therapy I have started is called CBT. And for those of you who don't know what that stands for; Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. I am not going to bore you with the full details of what this is but, it helps to identify and give you a new way of thinking as depression is a lot about the way you think, view and feel about yourself, the aim of this is to be able to overcome the negativity. This is a six weeks process. Now that may seem like a long time but when it is a half hour slot every week..you realise that it isn't long enough. In fact, it is a total of three hours.
Now this make me laugh.... They send me on a total of three hours worth of therapy.. Sorry, three hours and somehow they think this is going to be enough to magically changed something which I have suffered with for over a year?.... Yeah somehow I don't see that happening.
I mean, who knows. I could be sitting here is six weeks time and it could be a completely different story. I could be feeling better. That is why I am giving it a go. I would literally try anything if I thought it would help the way I am feeling at the moment.
I realise the title sounds odd as it did to me when my therapist handed my a workbook with the same title on it. And yes I did say workbook which the therapists called it homework.
Who would have thought that going to therapy meant having to take work home...not me.
For this week its STEP ONE. Identifying activities.
Such as;
Routine, Necessary and Pleasurable.
I have to make a list for each one of these because as I have fallen deeper into depression these things have gone out of the window completely.
Making a list of the first two are pretty easy. It is as simple as writing, washing the dishes, showering, brushing teeth, regular bedtime. Which...grim to say. But some of these things i did not do a couple of weeks ago. I barely left my own room.
Now the hard part for me...Pleasurable activities.
When I look at this section, I am completely stumped........ I don't know what I enjoy anymore.... I can't even remember what I used to enjoy doing........... That's the sad part about it. I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy. The last time I laughed so much that my eyes watered and my stomach hurt.
I've lost my happiness. Iv'e lost touch with who I used to be...
When I try to think back I cant really remember. This darkness of depression has cast a shadow of the things I once loved and my memories of them......
What I do know for certain is that iv'e acted happy.......Iv'e put on a front for so many people, so many situations. But the one time I happy is when I get with my best friend Amy.... Who I haven't seen in about a year. Our lives are so different from what they used to be that it is hard to find the time. I just can't believe that I never realised I had forgotten who I was until I started to start down at the title of that list I had to make.
I am just hoping that through therapy and this blog..... it helps me.
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