After having my heart broken by someone I loved..... Not once but several times and having it stamped on.
Yesterday I finally realised I was over him. This is something I thought I would never get over.
My love for this person just kinda crept up on me. It was never how I imagined first falling in love and it defiantly was not pretty.
I was used.. Led on. Led to believe I was cared about when in fact he didn't care about me at all. And over and over again I forgave him. Everyone warned me about him. Saw what he was doing to me. Hell.. I even saw what he was doing to me. But when we were together I enjoyed being around him. He was a different person when it was just the two of us. He was kind and caring. But then he acted as if I didn't matter afterwards. He would constantly reel me in. Telling me how much he liked and cared for me but to other people it was like he was ashamed. Ashamed to have feelings for me so he always told other people that there was nothing going on. Each time I thought he had changed and we were on the right track he was always keeping me as a back up just in case the other person he was interested in didn't show much interest back. When I look back on it now I realise how stupid I was. I was at his beck and call. I was in a vulnerable state and I now think that is why I kept forgiving him because it was nice to have the comfort of someone else. To have long hugs with when you was upset. Everything bad he did was overlooked by the few good things he did.
I put so much trust in him. I fell in love with him and told him about it. Asked him not to keep messing me around if he didn't feel the same way. It continued because I thought after having this conversation with him that was his way of saying he felt the same way because I knew he wasn't good with words. But it was all too easy for him wasn't it. He had an easy target and continued to play with my feelings because it was convenient for him.
I remember once being so devastated and hurt by him telling people that I didn't mean anything to him crying to my mum on the phone. I was in such a state. An emotional wreck that I made her and my dad come and pick me up from university so that I could put space between us. But when I returned a week later all those emotions came rushing back and I gave in to him again.
The only reason why I was eventually able to get over him was when I moved back home. Cutting him out of my life completely was the best thing I ever did. That was the only way I was able to fully get over him. I know that If I had stayed in that toxic environment I would still be in that situation now.
Yesterday was the day I realised that I was over him. I realised that because I had been thinking about someone else for change. I admitted to someone I had liked for a long time that I liked them. Which I completely freaked out about afterwards and regretted sending a message telling him. Although the outcome isn't what someone admitting to their crush would have wanted. I was happy. I was happy I got rejected. It made me realise how far I had come. I went form heartache and never being able to imagine getting over him or for that matter even liking someone else. To realising I was completely over him. Over the way he had treated me. I finally had closure. I can close that chapter of my life.
I just want anyone going through or have been through something similar to know that it does get better. I know it is cliche but time truly does heal all wounds. If someone had told me that when all this first happened I would have laughed in their face or more likely told them to fuck off.
But now I am sat here typing that same advice to anyone else reading it.
I think this is what has been holding me back from taking the next step. You can't start the next chapter if you're still on the previous one.
But now that I have done that I can work on myself.
I am going to stop worrying about other peoples bullshit, stick a middle finger up to the world and focus on myself.
Work on my own happiness.
That's what you need to do sometimes. Shout fuck you to the world and work on yourself. Which starting today, that is what I am going to do. If someone calls me a selfish prick for that then fuck them.
I have spent far too much time already trying to lock other peoples demons away without dealing with my own first.
Sometimes you just need to put yourself first.
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