One Year

It all started after my 22nd birthday. I had just gotten into University and I couldn't have been happier to be starting off a career by studying for a degree. This is something that I had always wanted to do, and despite not getting into university in the years after college I still pushed forward and tried again.

The first week of university was great! Getting to know new people, making friends, familiarising myself with the university and what  subjects we would be covering in the year ahead. Months passed and although the work was difficult it was worth it and I found myself still enjoying the course and pushing myself to do better
.
January was a blur for me. There is not much that I can remember. I remember watching movies and sleeping a lot. Not really interacting with people as much as I used to.
This is where things started to go downhill. From January to February something switched inside me.
I started skipping lectures, missing placement, not interacting with my flat mates, eating a lot less, not getting out of bed, laying in the dark, feeling down, feeling guilty, feeling scared and not even showering or looking after my physical health. I noticed after a while that this wasn't normal and went to the GP.
I thought I may have just been having a bad month , I thought this happens from time to time.
Turns out it stems further back than the past few months and this was just my breaking point. I was diagnosed with Depression and put on medication straight away.

Medication is only a starting point. Its not like a painkiller were you can take it and twenty minutes later its started to work. Depression medication can take up to 5-6 week before you start seeing the benefits from this medication if you see any at all.
When you feel such sadness, guilt, self hatred and notice it effect your daily life you are desperate for a quick fix. You don't want to feel this way anymore. You want something to take away this mental pain and self destruction.
For me things only got worse I took to self harm.  Self harm was my way out. It took away the mental pain and replaced it with physical pain so I had something else to focus on for a while. Even though it was just a little while it was a welcome relief that I would come to depend on and visit often.

Two months into the medication I started to notice some benefit. I opened myself back up to friends and told them what was going on as i feared if I didn't I would lose them and also isolate myself further. This were slowly starting to get better. I started to laugh again.
But that didn't last very long.... It was as if as soon as my mouth had produced the words "I am starting to feel a bit better" my brain screamed destroy.
I relapsed..... No longer did the medication seem to work. If anything they slowly started to have the opposite effect and dark thoughts about my end would creep into the corners of my mind.
I couldn't even remember things anymore. It was as if i was sleep walking through days. I couldn't remember what I had done the day before. I couldn't even remember the last time I spoke to my family........

Medication number 2 was soon prescribed in hopes that it would help me to gain a balance in my mental health again. But by this point I just didn't know how to function again. I didn't know how to be myself. Everything I seemed to say always came out wrong, sounding sharp when it was not meant to come out that way. I found myself feeling extremely guilty for this I after near enough everything I would say I would apologise in hopes that I had not offended anyone.
I had become a paranoid broken person. I was always analysing what people would say to me and the way they said it. I would seek approval that I had not upset my friends but they reassured me I was overthinking things. I could see how much it bothered them for me to continuously follow this routine but I couldn't help it. I tried to explain that this way of thinking wasn't me, it was the depression and anxiety that had now taken over my brain......
No matter what I said or did everything seemed to just go wrong. In the end friends started avoiding conversation with me. I constantly thought I had caused them upset. I pushed myself so hard to force a smile and put on a front, acting like everything was fine in hopes that I would be able to regain my social life. But the damaged had been done.
None of them truly understood what I was going through and how difficult it had all been. In the end we were no longer friends. I was completely isolated. No friends. No one who I left I could turn to. I was afraid to let me parents know how bad it had gotten. With being at University and no longer living at home all I seemed to have left was the four walls of my bedroom.
I had to watch all my friends interact with each other and not think twice about excluding me from everything. I lived in the same house as them and I wouldn't even get a simple hello anymore. Now I admit it must have been difficult for them too.... But all I need was someone to acknowledge me and maybe just to see if I was okay every now and again.
The days began to grow darker and my thoughts darker. Suicide paid many visits to my thoughts.
I was completely broken down again. I did not want to give up just yet though. So in a last attempt I tried to reach out to those I lived with........ I got nothing in return which only helped to darken my thoughts.  I turned to the NHS helpline..... Just to see if there was someone who I could talk to, someone who could help me. The next thing I know is the paramedics are knocking on the door.
I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I left as if i had completely wasted the NHS's time. The paramedics took me to the ambulance. I did nothing but apologise and cry. They could see how distressed I was and reassured me that I wasn't wasting anyone's time, I had done the right thing asking for help.
I spent the next few hours in Accident and Emergency. Answer questions and feeling drained. I can not thank the Hospital enough. They saved my life that evening. Without their help I probably would not be here now writing this.
Early hours that morning I was sent back home with all care available set in place. Once I got home I made the decision to move back home, where I would have the support from my family.
I plucked up the courage to ring my family and they agreed that it was the right step to take.
Now the scary part was over I just had to tell the people I lived with. I explained to them that I tried to reach out to them the night before but had no response and the events that unfolded that night.
One of them decided that they would then decide to make an effort with me. But by then the damage had been done. I was so annoyed that the door was shut in my face when I needed my friends the most. But in a way I am so glad it happened. It made me realise that my family are the only people who have ever been there for me and now they are the ones who have to live with the guilt of their actions.

Thank you to those five people for making me realise that Family is the strongest bond.!!


A year later I am still here and although I am still battling with my depression, now not every day is a bad day.






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