When I think back to the place where it all started, the name Westmount always comes to light.
Tonight my mind keeps wondering back to that place. Westmount University Halls, I stumbled across some entries I had wrote in a diary that I had forgotten even existed.
Although now I am still in a dark place I was in an even darker place back then.
18/4/2016
Placement was deferred today as I got diagnosed with depression.
No-one understands the mental pain that I feel. It’s horrible to feel as
trapped as I do. To feel so alone even though I am surrounded by loving family
and friends.
I hate myself
I hate everything about myself, the way I look, the way I act. I could be
better, I could look better. I could be thinner!
Ugly disgusting excuse for a human being. Don’t know how to cope with it
anymore. I want out! I want to be gone. I miss my nan and grandma, I want to be with them. It is all too much
for me to deal with. But then on the other hand I want to continue with my
life, I want to do well, I want to is carry on with my studies, I want to make a
difference and for once in my life be proud of myself.
But how do I do this?
How do I carry on?
I try and talk about the way I feel as much as I can to get it out in the open
hoping that it will make me feel better. It just brings everyone down instead.
I don’t want people to look at me like I’m a chipped glass that is going to
break at any moment. I am strong. I have to be, otherwise id be dead.
Cutting myself helps to take the mental pain away and focus on my physical pain
for a while. It is nice to have a chance to do that because the only time I am
really at peace is when I am sleeping.
Sometimes and have images in my head. Filling up a bath with hot water.
Layering it with bubbles. Lying there at peace, slitting my wrist and ending it
all. That seems like a nice way to go. It seems like a nice way out. I think if
I made a final decision that is the way I would do it!
Stumbling across this entry made me realise I was far worse back then. At the start of my depression I was really struggling, battling with my demons. I was ashamed to talk about it back then. Ashamed because I knew people wouldn't understand.
People always talk about your physical health, being healthy and looking after your heart etc.
But what people don't talk about enough is the mind, working on having a healthy mind. If you break a bone, have heart problems or have any other illness people seem to understand completely and wish for you to have a quick recovery or get better soon. The same can not be said when it comes to mental health. People never know what to say.... Which I suppose isn't that individuals fault. But it is the world fault. The worlds fault for not talking about it enough. Not giving people the information to understand that it can not be helped. It is like most illnesses uncontrollable. Why is there still a stigma behind mental health?
Why would people rather push the issue to one side in hopes that it goes away rather than encouraging people to talk about it openly?
We should not be made to feel ashamed about talking about it. Mental health should be talked about. Not everything can be fixed my surgery or medication.
Sometimes the best form of medication is acceptance and talking about mental health.
I know for most people reading things like this is an upsetting aspect but I cant hide it any longer. If the stigma surrounding mental health is to be broken it starts with me telling an honest story about my ongoing battle, And encourage others to talk about it and urge them to seek help as everyone deserves a happy life and not to suffer in silence.
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